V is for vasectomy?
Well, I figured it was that time.... I had two kids, a boy and a girl. They are great, but damned if I'm gonna have any more. I had mentioned to my wife that I was thinking about getting a vesectomy, and that is about as dumb as being near dead hungover and in a weak moment saying something retarded like "i wanna quit drinking" cuz if anyone is gonna remind you about it later, it's gonna be the wifey to jog the memory.
so, after a silly amount of "have you called to make an appointment?" reminders, I finally nutted up (a pun intended there) and called PlannedParenthood to make the date. Well, they took my name and said they'd call me back to set the date.
phew, that wasn't so tough... shit. but then I started thinking about the surgery, and I was like, "what that the fuck is going on?" , how do they do it? with a fucking sledgehammer? i pictured the bastards dipping my nuts in cod liver oil and dropping them into a cage of rabid badgers, and let them chew me my jewels down to stubs.... shit.
it had been a month since i had made the call, I wasn't scared anymore, cuz i had forgotten all about it. but one black monday, my heartless cell phone rang, and on the line was a nice sounding person, who wanted to cement a date for a consultation for the vesectimy... fuckin cellphone.
so i had the date set, for the consultation, and the day had come. and in i went.
I walked into the PlannedParenthood Clinic, and walked up to the window where a nice looking 20 something girl was busy typing away on her computer and said "Hello, I have a 12 o clock appointment" with my manly charm.
"Please wait by that sign" she said without stopping typing.
I looked over my shoulder, there was a nice little sign, kinda like a sign at a bank or a shitty resturant that said, "Please Wait Here". Ok, what the hell, I am in good spirits, so I took two steps back, and smiled. I was there for all of 5 seconds and the chick said, "please step up to the window"... what the fuck yo.
After a good 40 minute wait I was called into the back by a tall thin man, with a stethiscope. He led me to a small room with 2 chairs and a tv cart like they had in 8th grade class rooms, the tv on top, strapped down, with a vcr player on the rack below the tube... I kinda felt like the dude in the matrix when the agents interogate him, and make his mouth go away... whatever.
I was sat down to watch a short movie that was to awser the questions i had about the procedure. I must have been made in the 80s, it looked like a fucking old porn movie. I wasn't sure what to expect, I looked over at the doctor, he was totally engaged in the film, like it was him that was about to have his nuts put on the chopping block.. I looked back at the film, waiting for ron jermy to come onto scene and strech out the star of the film, a female doctor that looked like a young doctor ruth mixed with a tranny. i was starting to get the fear... but the film ended as soon as it started. I think i missed the point of it.
i had to fill out some paperwork, disclose my finacial status and all that. i must have filled out the paperwork right, cuz i quallified for finacial aid, infact I filled it out so good that the state was gonna pay for the operation. sweet.
"so, you gonna be giving me some vicotin or what for my recovery?" i asked.
"if you need anything more than ibuprophin after the procedure, then something has gone wrong and you'll need to come back in" the Doc let me know.
fuck. maybe i should have gone for getting my wisdom teeth out. what am i getting into?
For the paperwork for the state to go through I had to wait one month. I guess they really wanted to see if in a month I'd still be down if they were footing the bill.
That month went by faster than i wanted. The days leading up the the operation passed by quickly. I was getting nervous. Drinking helped, but it didn't stop time like i wanted it too. the day had arrived.
i had my wife drive me up to eureka where the PlannedParenthood Clinic is. I had to have someone drive me cuz I had signed up for an anti-anxiety pill, xanex, and they won't give it out if I didn't have someone to drive me. I had to be there a half our before my appointment to get he pills, so they'd kick in for the kickoff... i mean snip off.
this time i was a vet, i stood by the Please Wait Here sign, the girl behind the counter smiled and called me forward. I had learned the protocol, I learn fast, like an ape. I checked in and had a seat. I watched as rookies came in and mistakenly walked right up to the window, only to get shutdown and made to stand back at the sign like a sad little kid, until called forward.
a nice older lady opened called me to an open door and led me down a hall to a small room like the one i had been in to watch the video.
"you know, xanex is my drug of choice" she said to me in comical confidence.
"cool." i said, was she testing me? i was playing it cool.
"have you ever had xaxex before?"
"nope" i really hadn't. "is it like vicotin?" you know i just can't let some things go.
"no, it just makes you not care..." she smiled. cool enough, i thought to myself. she handed me the 2 little pills in a little paper cup and another paper cup with water.
i was led back to the waiting room, the pills would take effect in a half hour and then it was cut time.
I looked through a Time magazine, a News Week. I listened to my ipod. I watched the clock, a hour and 15 minutes passed... but i didn't care. fucking A, the pills were working.
The same nice lady called me back into the doorway. I was feeling warm. She led me to another room, a new room, this one had 2 chairs and a bed and a desk.
"sit down here, Doctor Someone will be in in a minute."
i sat down and looked around. there was a cork board on the wall it a poster about teen pregnancy. I saw a tub with some gadget on the desk, the tub was written on with marking pen "vesectomy tools", i wanted to get up and look through te tub, but the doctor opened the door and slowly walked in, looking at some charts. He was a thin guy, maybe 10 years older than me. He was wearing a hawaiian shirt. where the fuck am i? i dunno, i don't care. that xanex is pretty cool.
"take off your pants and lay on the table" the doct said still looking at his chart.
"take off my drawers too?" it was a dumb question, somewhere deep i was still nervous.
"yes" he said to me, looking up from his chart for the first time, half smiling.
so there i was, wearing socks and a t-shirt, laying on the paper cover table-bed with only the pale white light of the flouresents to cover my wang.
the doctor got right to business, with out a warning he grabbed my dick with cold hands and somehow tied it up with a rubberband and a clothespin to my shirt. this is fucking crazy, this is why i don't go see doctors.
"ok" the doctor said, "i am going to apply the local now" he was holding a big ass needle. "you will feel a little sting"
a little sting. the guy stabbed me in the dick! lucky i was on xanex, or i might have jumped up, in droopy socks with nuts covered in iodine, and slammed the doc's head through the wall.
"that's the worst of it, now you'll just feel a little tugging and pulling."
i decided that looking at the operation was out of the question, and the only option left was to nervously ask dumb question after dumb question as he would grab scissors, the some type of pliers, the some crazy ass wand that he was using for what ended up being a cauterizing tool. He'd touch down with the wand and smoke would come up, and I'd smell chicken cooking. What the hell, the smell of my nuts burning was getting me hungry. I'd have to have my wifey drive me to get a burger or some shit after this.
I watched as the the doc threaded stiches, and pulled the string up high and go back for more. I did feel some tugging, but before I knew it the doc was done.
"thats it?" i asked.
"yep, put on your pants and check out with Ann." and he walked out. He had touched the jewels and walked out like he had just fixed a cat. i felt used. but what the hell, it was over.
i walked out, like a man with numb nuts. got to the car and with the smell of burnt scrot still fresh in my mind I told the wife "go to Stars, i need a mushroom bacon cheese burger, now".
i got the buger, yeah. with fries and a pepsi. that shit was awesome! and to top it off, my man my mellow, the sheik, hooked a brother up with a handfull of vicotin. now its xbox360 (thanks kush!), gin and green olives, cotton candy (thanks kutty!) and a mother fucking icepack. and after 90 days, i ain't ever pulling out again. word!